Friday, October 18, 2013

happily ever after

i haven't done a post about love in a really long time. this is unfortunate, cause love posts are my favorite. remember that time when i did a series of posts to tell mine and dallas' love story, and how i dragged it out for forever and kept promising that i would get to the happy ending and never did? no, you probably don't remember because who cares, but i'm going to finish it now anyway, for my sake. and because... i'm just really in love right now.

and now part six.

so. let's see. we left off with dallas breaking up with me and me feeling helpless and regretful about it for the following year. dallas and i were still in the same singles ward. it was never that awkward between us because there was no feelings of spite. we didn't talk much, but dallas was still the sweetest to me and we still had a lot of respect for each other. like i said in part five, even though i knew without a doubt that i really really liked the dallas from second he broke up with me, i was still too afraid, too hesitant, and too cautious to ever pursue him again. i thought it was not my place - i had broken his heart too many times. but i so desperately wanted him to notice me again, still like me, and give me another chance. so i did the only thing i wasn't too afraid to do, and left him lots of hints. small little hints like, "we should hang out some time," or "hey, we should really hang out sometime," or "me and my friends are getting together and doing something fun tonight. wanna come?" these weren't very good hints. and dallas doesn't pick up on hints at all. double negative. no go.

meanwhile, a girl moved into my ward and we became quick friends. she was awesome and i loved her, but she had the tendency to not take relationships very seriously, and she left a trail of broken hearts behind her. i don't blame her at all, it's just how the dating game works. 

one day, probably winter/spring 2012, about 6 months after dallas had broken up with me, me and said girl were at a ward activity. we didn't go to many ward activities, and since she was semi-new, she didn't know many people in our ward. but at this ward activity, she spotted dallas for the first time, and she thought he was cute. 

"lydia, that boy is... uh, ugly."

i realized she was talking about dallas. my dallas. "what? rude!"

"no!" she whispered to me, "i meant really cute, but i realized i was talking really loud and i didn't want anyone to hear me."

"oh.... really? yeah... that's dallas... he's really cute."

oh no. of course, she wanted to go on a date with him. and it was not hard for this girl to get what she wanted. but i knew she would just date him and dump him; she wasn't interested in a long term relationship right now. but she couldn't! she couldn't do that to my dallas! no one can break his heart but me! 

i promptly tried to sabotage the date that followed. it didn't work at all. they went on the date and i stayed in the frustrated sidelines, vowing to ruin this girl if she broke dallas' heart. but unbeknownst to me, it didn't matter one bit because dallas hadn't been truly interested in any girl since he broke up with me (poor thing), because he would "compare his feelings for every other girl to his feelings for me." *blush* *brag* *smirk* (whatever, this is my love story. i can be as snarky as i want.)

a few months later, dallas moved home for the summer to work and i moved to a different ward for a while to join some friends. i lived in a small, fun crib called "the white house." the white house came with quite the reputation and my roommates and i took it upon ourselves to honor its reputation and throw the biggest dance parties in all of provodom. and we did. we did throw parties. christmas lights, pounding speakers, dj, tiki torches, couches on the front lawn, packed sweaty bodies in the living room type parties. cops called on us type parties. i look back to those times and think... gross. but i say that with a smidge of pride. 

and then i dropped everything and when on a six week study abroad to europe. it was a traveling art history study abroad, which meant we spent the entire time hopping from country to country, living in hotels and visiting every art museum during the day and sightseeing every tourist attraction in the night. it also meant 6 weeks with about 20 stranger girls and only one boy. and let me tell you what happens when you spend 6 weeks with 20 stranger girls and only one boy. 1) you become fast, close best friends, every one of you 2) and then you become boy crazy. because 6 weeks with 20 girls and only one boy is kind of like a sped up slice of a two year lds mission where you're not supposed to see, talk to, or think about the opposite sex. i'm pretty sure all it does is make you crave what you can't have more than anything else. i'm questioning it's integrity... 

anyway. it seemed every girl had a boy waiting for them at home, and they wasted no spare moment talking about their him and how wonderful he was. it made my inner green monster flare and something funny happened: i could not stop/was obsessed with thinking about dallas. one moment, someone would be talking about their him and next moment it was half hour later and i was in a deep day-dreaming sleep about dallas. dallas and his niceness. dallas and his funness. dallas and his free-spiritness. dallas. 

something had to be done. sooner than later i found myself on my flight home from amsterdam with a renewed determination to make things happen between dallas and i, asap. and yet, i was still trying to find a way to be inconspicuous, because if it didn't work out i didn't want to be the one to blame, again. so my first night back to provo i arranged a get together with some of my friends at the awful waffle and called dallas to invite him. i was careful not to mention to my friends my real purpose for the night because i wanted things to happen between dallas and i as unplanned as plannedly possible. and dallas came! and he had a thick summer-sales tan and he was so handsome! and he was so nice! and he was so fun! and he was so free-spirited! yay yay yay yay! 

at the end of the night, i gave dallas a ride home, and my girlfriends and i stayed up late talking. dallas was the hot topic. but then... dread. all of a sudden i got this uncomfortable little inkling called my best friend likes dallas. and the now fully-grown green monster in me roared and practically ate my best friend alive. it's okay though. i was discrete. this was going to take every bit of self-control that i owned, but i was going to play every single right card and have dallas be mine fair and square. and that was final. 

so then i did what desperate girls do and schemed up a camping trip with just dallas and me, and a girl that was not my stealing best friend. oh and cool, dallas' little sister happened to be in town with her friends too, so oops our car is full. guess i can't invite my stealing best friend! oh, and oops our car is short one seat so guess i have to sit on the emergency break, up close and personal next to our handsome driver, dallas, for the whole four hour drive! oh and oops i left something of mine in dallas' car after the camping trip so now he has to bring it to me and come to my house! oops! 

i must take a moment to give myself props. everything went according to plan. and then better. dallas came by to drop off the m&m's i left in his car. i invited him in. we talked. we kept talking. we couldn't stop talking. and then all of a sudden he was asking me out and i think i was bouncing on the ceiling, floating ten feet off the ground.

we went for mexican food on our date. we talked about feminism. i was swooning the entire time.

it took me a couple weeks after that to get the guts to hold his hand. funny thing about mine and dallas' relationship: i was the one who first held his hand, and i was the one who first kissed him. but you know what? it was perfect that way. because feminism. just kidding, it really was because it had to be that way. i had broken his heart too many times. and this last time, the first time that it was actually working, he waited for me to make all the moves because he didn't want to scare me. i had to take the initiative this time. we had to be sure that i was for reals this time. 

and now i give props to all the guys and girls that make the first moves, because those things take guts. i know from experience.

dallas was walking me home from a friend's house and i asked if i could hold his hand, like a dweeb, and then i promptly tripped. it didn't matter. we were so giddy to actually hold hands for the first time that we swung our arms real high and skipped all the way home.

it took me a couple weeks after that to get the guts to first kiss him. no one knows how big this was for me. the first kiss is a serious sign of commitment. i know it's not that way for everybody. but my broken-and-healed self took everything very seriously, now. i mean, my last first kiss had been catastrophic. when i first kissed tanner i realized that was the last time i ever wanted to kiss tanner... what if the same thing happened with dallas? what if i kissed him and it revealed some doubt in my heart that i wasn't aware of?

(side note: i may or may not have also been nervous because i knew it was dallas' first kiss and i secretly dreaded that he would be a bad kisser. for the record, this fear proved very unnecessary.)

and so that's why i was nervous. but i had to do it. i knew i had to. and i wanted to! again, like a dweeb i asked him first before planting one on him. it was a good kiss. to be honest, i don't remember if it was too short or too long or too wet or too dry (yikes), because i was too busy assessing my feelings the second after, hoping and hoping that i would want to kiss him again. and, yesssssssss!!!!!! we kissed! i don't remember what it felt like, but i know i want to do it again! and again and again! and i think he was good at it! and i like him! i know i like him! yay yay yay yay!!!!!

it's pretty much history from there. the only other really significant part worth mentioning was when we said 'i love you' for the first time. it was just after christmas break. we had spent the break away from each other, me in the philippines and him in hawaii. i was unsure about what being separated would do to our relationship. as he drove me to the airport i remember looking at him and thinking, "hm.. i'll probably miss him a little." bahaha. the second i was in the airport by myself i got this sinking feeling. my other half had just left me. and then the next three weeks were agony. i don't think my family enjoyed me at all, i was so obsessed with dallas. if i wasn't skyping or talking to him on the phone, i was writing him emails. and if i wasn't doing those things, i was talking incessantly about him to my family. and over and over, every time we talked, every time we wrote, we just repeated, "i like you soooo much," "i miss you soooo much," "you are everything to me," when really, every time we knew we meant, "i love you." but we wanted to save that for in person. finally. finally after we got back from our trips we said it. again, i was a little hesitant at first. but after that we couldn't stop saying it.

after we said i love you it was only a matter of weeks before we couldn't stop talking about marriage and planning our whole freakin' wedding before he got around to getting a ring.

i've made this story seem like a dream, because really, it was. but it loses some integrity if i don't mention the hard parts that were very real and very important. it got hard when we got engaged. it's hard to wait. and it's just a little hard to stay committed sometimes, because even if you feel like you're one and the same person, everyone knows from experience that you can drive yourself crazy. and it's hard now, too. just like love pushes your heart to the limits of happiness, it can also push your heart to the limits of sadness. i say that in the most appreciative way possible. i love dallas william hadley, and i'm grateful for all parts of him. i take him for his best and i take him for his worst. and he does the same for me.

Being in love is the worst. It’s also the best, but it’s so hard and scary to open your heart to someone … when you tell somebody you love them or you realize you’re in love, what it means is you’re giving yourself over a little bit, you’re being vulnerable. But the point is vulnerability is the key to happiness. Vulnerable people are powerful people … celebrate the idea that you’re in love and that you love the idea of being in love. - Amy Poehler

and so. that's the love story of me and dallas. i'm happy.


  1. um, this is perfect. I think you guys are adorable and I haven't even SEEN you together!

  2. love this. because feminism. haha!

  3. Perfect. I really appreciate you saying that there were hard parts too, because I had my hard times in my engagement as well. Being engaged is not the greatest thing. I thought it was fun until I got married...then you realize that being engaged SUCKED. Ha.

    Good post, Lydia. When you posted your first bit about you and Dallas, I had to do the same for me day I'll post it. Ha.

  4. christmas break apart is totally what did it for us too. haha something about being away for a couple weeks really makes you think! loved the post!

  5. Love this so much! As more of my friends get married and I hear more love stories like this, I'm amazed by how different each one is, and how each is beautiful in its own way. I used to have this vision in my head of how I wanted to my love story to play out, but I'm just realizing more and more that the real beauty is in it being your own. You and Dallas are so perfect for each other, I love it.

  6. i just read through your whole love story and it was amaaazing. so tender. gotta love love ;)

  7. As soon as I saw love story I was hooked! I know I should have started from part one but I couldn't resist. ahhhhh, ok now I'll be reading from the beginning. I love people in love. love love love.

  8. i just finished reading your story and *swoon.
    i really hope i get to experience what you and dallas have found.
    i just love, love, haha.


  9. Okay, so I don't know if you remember, but you commented on my blog post about my fiance' and I's decision to wait to get married in the temple. You mentioned your story and I'm finally just now reading about it! First of all, feminism is so great. Second of all, your story is beautiful and awesome and I absolutely love it.

  10. Aghhh this is too cute!! Makes me think of all the happy moments with my other half! Think I may have to steal this idea and do a post too, hope you don't mind!
    Thank you for your lovely comment on my post about mental health.
    Tara x