Wednesday, March 27, 2013

well

so. i know i said this was going to be the end of my love story. sorry, i lied. again.

but the next one will be the last. i promise!

dallas asked to meet with me. i said yes. we set a date. he came to my apartment. my roommate rushed to the back room. i hesitantly let him in. "i hate this part," is what i was thinking.

now, to be honest, i don't really remember all the details to this conversation. there are some parts of it that stand out in my memory as clear as day, and some parts are more fuzzy. i will try to tell you exactly what i remember.

it started out with him asking, "so, how do you feel about our relationship?"

i was shifting on my couch. "ummmm... well. i think you're great and i like you, dallas, but i am not ready to be in a relationship right now. idk... maybe sometime down the road, who knows," (ya, right) "but i've had a really rough, long summer, and i just don't feel ready to be in any relationship for a long time."

dallas looks at me. "okay. well, i think i deserve to be with someone who wants to spend time with me  as much as i want to spend time with them. so i think we should just be done for good."

tiny sting. guilt. "you're right. i'm sorry."

"no, it's okay."

and then i really wasn't ready for this next part.

"this may sound really cliche, lydia, but i've liked you from the first day i met you. you probably don't remember this, but the first time i met you was at fhe last year, and when you came in the door i thought wow, she's beautiful. and then when you smiled i thought it was the most beautiful smile i'd ever seen. and then as i got to know you i just liked you more and more."

i don't know what my face was doing at this point, but in my head my jaw was dropping. no one had ever said anything so nice to me before in my life.

all i could do was stammer another "i'm so, so sorry."

and then he went in for the kill:

"no, no, don't be sorry. i've thought about it a lot this past week, and i wouldn't change anything that's happened. you're the only person that has made me want to be a better person, lydia. i know i have a lot to work on, but you're the only person that's ever made me want to change."

i'm speechless. i'm passing out inside. i'm screaming inside. he wanted to change, because of me. he wanted to be a better person, because of me. even though he knew he couldn't have me, he'd do it for me anyway.

suddenly the gravity of our relationship hit me. here was the one boy who i think truly loved me more than any other boy, and had served me more than any other boy, and had been through heck because of me more than any other boy, and he still loved and respected me more than any other boy.

and now he was breaking up with me. pretty much.

he then said he hoped we could still be friends because he didn't want anything to be awkward between us. and then he walked out the door. and left me beside myself on the couch.

what have i done? i'm in love with dallas! i'm in love with dallas! i'm in love with dallas! and i could never have him. i jumped up and ran to my roommate's room and threw myself on her bed.

"i'm in love with dallas! and he just broke up with me!"

what was i to do? i had broken this boys heart a million times, and now he had just broken up with me! i didn't feel like i was in any position to tell him how i felt.

1. he probably wouldn't give me another chance. he's probably finally recognized how crazy i was and didn't want to risk dating crazy lady again. he's probably realized there are plenty of other girls who would realize what they got and be a lot nicer, too.

2. what if, say, he did happen to give me another chance, and we started dating? and what if.. i broke up with him again? i had just gone through the hardest summer of my life and was sort of at the tail end of the worst depression i've ever had. i was still confused and a little broken. i was probably not ready to handle the situation yet, and would probably butcher it again. could i live with myself if i broke this boys heart again? no. i didn't want to take the chance. i should take this opportunity to try to not further ruining our lives and plunging me deeper into depression.

so. i didn't do anything. we stayed in the same ward that next year (fall & winter 2012-13), and i watched by the side lines as he went on dates with other girls and they would flirt their heads off. and all the while i was thinking "who does she think she is? she doesn't deserve my dallas!" but i didn't do anything. i thought i was broken and i was too scared.

to be continued.

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