so.. i was gonna get all the way to the present with this post. but it's just too long. so, next time will be a happy ending. i promise.
finishing off summer 2011 was sort of a mess. i deeply cared for two different men. and i had broken both their hearts. multiple times. #fail.
i thought it was all my fault. i felt like a lot of people were blaming me, and i thought i deserved it. i felt lonely and guilty for being scared of commitment. but for the record, it just wasn't fair, being judged as a player. i understand the heart break of being single, people. but now i also know the pain of being the heart breaker, which was the worst feeling i have ever experienced.
so at the end of the summer i felt a little broken. or maybe a lot broken. i had tried and tried and tried to let myself give my heart to either of those boys, and grown to care for them very much. but... to no avail. i prayed about it all the time.
tanner was a econ genius and a straight a student. he was clever and logical. he could make me laugh like no other, and i had the time of my life flirting with him. but, that was the problem. i came to realize that that's all our relationship was. flirting. i believe that we cared for each other a lot. but it was almost... shallow in a way. we had nothing in common. i love art. tanner doesn't. i am a feminist. tanner is too, but doesn't know he is and he doesn't care about it. two of the things that i care about the most, that make up my core, tanner had almost no interest in. i had always told myself i wouldn't marry anyone who didn't call himself a feminist. in case you can't tell, feminism matters a lot to me. but there i was, falling in love with him.
and dallas... he was... sort of all over the place. he had changed his major multiple times, was getting evicted for blowing up fireworks in his apartment, and called the cops on me as a prank in the middle of our prank war. you could call him a free spirit.
don't get me wrong, i had lots of good reasons to like dallas. haha, yes, sometimes he would be so ridiculous, i would get so mad i would tell him i hate him and swear to never speak to him again.. but there is also something so.. so sweet about dallas. i guess there's no better way to describe it than he is just genuinely... nice. all around. he is sensitive and thoughtful. he is selfless and giving. he is all service oriented.
(just two seconds ago he texted me that he gave a drunk guy a ride to the gas station... it's 3am...)
charity. that's the perfect way to describe him. ask anyone. everyone knows dallas is one of the sweetest human beings on the planet. he makes friends with everyone and everyone loves dallas. he has zero enemies (except for maybe Tanner), which is something even i can't say about myself. and he cared. he cares about feminism. he loves art. we could talk for hours about the things that matter most to me. and to him!
but sometimes he was just so irresponsible... i thought. and tanner was so charming... but doesn't understand!
so you see? i was so confused! at the end of the summer i went to california, and then to virginia for a few weeks to visit my older sisters. those weeks were an answer to my prayers. i finally had time away from all of the pressure and the rumors and the loneliness and the drama, all staring me in the face in provo. and i had time to just think. and to relax. and to feel loved. and to think about me. and i prayed. and i decided to stop. i couldn't make a decision about either boy. neither must be meant to be. period. so after my vacation, i came home with the determination to end it with both of them. i couldn't do what i was doing before, dating them both off and on and loving them both, at all. it was literally tearing me apart and making me so depressed. it wasn't healthy. i was pushed to my limit. and i was done. and it wasn't right.
i had semi-broke up with tanner before i left on my vacation. and when i got back, he had moved out of my ward. he didn't really talk to me again. perfect. that was taken care of. and as far as dallas goes... he was still in my ward. but i figured we had never officially dated, so i didn't officially have to break up with him, right? i just started ignoring him. yes, i know. rude and immature. i'm sorry, i was/am still young and i didn't want to do the dirty work.
but dallas could sense something was wrong, so he asked if we could meet and talk. crap. the dtr. great. welp, i thought, might as well get it over with and be finished with it once and for all.
so we met. aaaaaaaaaaand
to be continued.