Thursday, February 28, 2013

the depression of 2011

so. another post about love. sorry to all ya'll single people out there. #sorryi'mnotsorry

so let's see... i left off after my first couple dates with dallas (only one of which i actually remember). now it's january of 2011. nothing too exciting happened with dallas... a lot of new guys moved into the ward and i had lots of fun chasing after them. because i was pathetic that way. really though, i had a good time dating lots of different guys that winter. in the meanwhile dallas brought me by a breakfast and left it on my doorstep for me. reason: none. except to be cute. i just want to remember that.

then came valentines day.

a boy named robby mayfield left a bag of sunflowers on my doorstep, with some cliche little note that said something clever about how he knew sunflowers were my favorite but seeds were the closest he could find to that in the dead of winter.

tanner, from my ward, decorated my bedroom door with harry potter valentines and dove chocolate hearts. i thought it was adorable.

and dallas made me a dinosaur confetti cake and a homemade valentines card.

looking back, i should have known who the winner would be. #duh. but no, i fell for the chocolate. tanner fisher. we started dating. it was like a whirlwind. i had so much fun flirting with him, and it seemed so easy to become real close real fast (although, my definition of 'fast' in relationships is very different from everyone else, i think). we were with each other 24/7 for weeks. he was really clever and made me laugh a lot. i thought that was a really good sign. then we had our first kiss and i hated it. i thought that was a really bad sign.

 i remember the day after our first kiss was stake conference, and as my mind was on how disappointed i was with my first kiss with tanner, dallas walked past me. i totally checked him out. and dang, he's pretty cute. and really sweet. i leaned over to my best friend, haylee, and said "i think i still like dallas" (the 'still' referring to my very minor interest since the first date. and i mean really minor).

i broke up with tanner later that night. the day after our first kiss. it was a hard break up (what break ups aren't??). but it was my first time actually doing the breaking up in a break up and i had no idea how to do it. he felt upset. and confused. and i felt upset. and confused. i had never been that close to someone else before. how could i just erase that?

the next day was a monday and i can remember how long that day felt. i think it was the first time i had ever experienced depression. you know, not like the high school no-one-asked-me-out-to-prom kind of depression. but the can't-eat-anything-can't-feel-anything kind of depression.

 so the next day, tanner and i got back together.

and then began the vicious cycle of breaking up and getting back together. multiple times. and every time we got back together, i felt awful. and every time we broke up, i felt awful. and it didn't help that on every off time with tanner, dallas would make a go, and i would make a half effort. pretty soon, everything i did either broke dallas' or tanner's heart, and everything i did broke my heart.

you know, that summer was really hard for me. and it also really sucked that both of them were in my ward. i know a lot of peeps thought i was quite the player. i heard rumors and gossips that i only led guys on to use them and dump them. the bitterness is understandable in a singles ward where the ratio of girls to guys is 2 to 1. and here i had two boys chasing after me. as a result, no one wanted to be friends with me, girls and boys alike. also, my family was in the philippines, and my best friends had all moved away for the summer. i felt like i had no one to turn to. and i was very, very lonely. and i was very, very depressed.

okay, well, i have class in ten minutes! sorry to leave you hanging at the most depressing moment of my life. but don't worry, the next post is really, really happy!!


  1. OH MY GOODNESS. We were literally going through almost the same exact thing at the beginning of 2011. Umm I wish I knew that at the time, we could have come to each other for comfort and support!!

  2. I admit, if I was in college with you I would have been petty and jealous. But, I appreciate hearing a different perspective. I've had to turn down guys who really liked me before, and break their hearts, and it was very miserable, so I at least can relate on that level. I'm sorry that people were so petty to you, that must have been a really hard time.